Things I Think About When Swimming

• Keep your head down.
• Breathe every 3 strokes
• How many laps in 1/3 mile?
• Haven’t seen my red and yellow socks in a while.
• Lead with your elbow.
• I should get a pedicure, even in February, because everyone can see my toes in the locker room.
• Is that 8 or 9 laps?
• How do good swimmers not snort water up their noses when doing the backstroke?
• How difficult is it to buy a bathing suit if you are really obese?
• Was that last thought disrespectful because I don’t mean to be disrespectful but it’s difficult enough for me to find a bathing suit that fits.
• Why can’t the bathing suit industry make bathing suits that fit more than 10% of American women?
• Do more than 10% of American women even want to buy a bathing suit?
• Keep your head down and lead with your elbow.
• Pierce the water and roll like a log.
• Logs don’t have legs.
• I know I’m supposed to know where I am by looking at the ceiling, but I still can’t swim the backstroke straight.
• Don’t rest, just go.
• Flip turns? Yeah right.
• Hot tub hot tub hot tub.
• Is that 13 or 14?
• How come that lady swims like total shit and she doesn’t have to stop every 50 yards gasping for oxygen?
• If I keep swimming, I’m gonna be a lean mean swim like a fish machine.
• If I was a mermaid, I’d probably be a good swimmer because I would have learned how to swim as a very young child.
• Keep your head down, rotate to the air every 3 strokes.
• Lead with your elbow, feel your core rotate.
• Think fish. But not scallop. I don't want to swim like a scallop.