The Ins and Outs of an Ordinary Life

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Things I Think About When Swimming

  • Keep your head down.
  • Breathe every 3 strokes
  • How many laps in 1/3 mile?
  • Haven’t seen my red and yellow socks in a while.
  • Lead with your elbow.
  • I should get a pedicure, even in February, because everyone can see my toes in the locker room.
  • Is that 8 or 9 laps?
  • How do good swimmers not snort water up their noses when doing the backstroke?
  • How difficult is it to buy a bathing suit if you are really obese?
  • Was that last thought disrespectful because I don’t mean to be disrespectful but it’s difficult enough for me to find a bathing suit that fits.
  • Why can’t the bathing suit industry make bathing suits that fit more than 10% of American women?
  • Do more than 10% of American women even want to buy a bathing suit?
  • Keep your head down and lead with your elbow.
  • Pierce the water and roll like a log.
  • Logs don’t have legs.
  • I know I’m supposed to know where I am by looking at the ceiling, but I still can’t swim the backstroke straight.
  • Don’t rest, just go.
  • Flip turns? Yeah right.
  • Hot tub hot tub hot tub.
  • Is that 13 or 14?
  • How come that lady swims like total shit and she doesn’t have to stop every 50 yards gasping for oxygen?
  • If I keep swimming, I’m gonna be a lean mean swim like a fish machine.
  • If I was a mermaid, I’d probably be a good swimmer because I would have learned how to swim as a very young child.
  • Keep your head down, rotate to the air every 3 strokes.
  • Lead with your elbow, feel your core rotate.
  • Think fish. But not scallop. I don't want to swim like a scallop.


miss petite america said...

how DO people keep track of laps? i have a lap counter on my watch, but it seems totally unnatural to have to press my wrist at each end of the pool?

i've never heard of leading with your elbow...i might need to try that.

i would assume that at some point you could get bored doing laps and not concentrate at which point you would drown. so i guess swimming forces you to concentrate on SOMETHING. does swimming get boring?

Anonymous said...

this is hilarious :)

Anonymous said...

This is precisely why I don't swim...Well, that and because I swim like a scallop!

Just thought I'd let you know I got a kick out of it!